he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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