Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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