shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
