I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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