Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
