This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize