I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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