I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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