I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
