i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Randomize