I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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