he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
