sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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