Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
