Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i think i just lost a toe
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