filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Never underestimate the power of titties
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
