quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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