I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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