imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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