On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Randomize
