I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
