just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
