we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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