You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
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