so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
