if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
