some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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