I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My vagina is very pro this idea
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
