I accidentally had phone sex last night
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
