Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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