Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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