He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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