the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
