Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
