My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
