I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
