I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
someone threw a dead crab at me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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