I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
