I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We left the knife in your bed.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
