Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
