Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
