This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
