i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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