the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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