You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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