return my video game
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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