How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
