I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
