i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
