Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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