I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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