I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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