the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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