Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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