I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
