I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
