he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize