Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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