I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Sober January is a disaster.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
