imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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