every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
