whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
