maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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